Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I make no secret of the fact that I wasn’t a virgin when I married my husband. I spent years trying to assuage my daddy issues in the beds of willing guys. Most of them were descent, caring individuals with whom I probably could have had really good relationships. Some of them came with fantastic reputations for size, stamina, and skill in the bedroom. I really wanted it to work with each of them and thought that I was honestly in love and sometimes I was. The problem was that I didn’t trust any of them. I played the field and I never orgasmed other than at my own hands, not a single blasted time. Ultimately, I gave up my quest and decided that I was broken.
Even after I found Doc (with whom I share a crazy sort of chemistry) I still didn’t trust him. We went through around six years of marriage before I could finally put my emotional baggage to rest and give myself to him. At this point in our relationship I trust him so implicitly that I would let him do anything he wanted. It makes for a much more freeing experience in bed because he can try things and do things and I know that he’s not going to hurt me.
For me, this is absolutely essential. I don’t know how people have sex without love. The couple of times that I tried having intercourse with someone that I didn’t feel some sort of genuine affection for were absolutely disastrous and resulted in tears. Seriously, I don’t know how anyone does it. This is part of the reason why I don’t personally support premarital sex. Sex and love should go together. It’s a magical combination.
This is the hardest part. We all seem to look at ourselves with the harshest microscope. What you think about yourself can cloud your ability to enjoy what you’re being given in bed. It can also make you self-conscious. There’s nothing worse than holding back because you’re afraid of how you look or sound in bed. There is no holding back when it comes to the multiple “O.” If you’re holding back because you’re afraid of how you’ll look or what you’ll say then it’s not going to happen. You have to give yourself completely over to what’s going on.
Being “In the Moment”
In bed you are not allowed to think about the house, the car, the kids, work, laundry, or anything else remotely unpleasant or stressful. It’s forbidden! There is no thought other than what is currently going on. Focus on the sensation and be honest. If something hurts or feels uncomfortable, this is where trust comes in, you must tell your partner. Sex is a learned skill. If he/she does something that doesn’t work you don’t want it to have to be unlearned later.
Sex is meditation. Focus. I’m serious on this, focus. Do not be distracted. If you need to work on your attention span start meditating outside of the bedroom on a daily basis.
I know this is starting to sound like a self-help book but really, knowing what you need is essential. It took a very long time to figure out that I need a little bit of kink to help things along. Knowing what makes your body react is essential as well. If you can’t work the equipment, then you probably can’t help someone else work it either. Be willing to experiment because you never know what you’re going to like.
Oh yes… now you’re groaning at me, aren’t you? In addition to helping your overall body image exercise can help you be in shape for better, more athletic sex. It also opens up additional sexual positions because let’s face it not every position works for every person.
Also on the exercise front is kegeling. Doc has pointed out how important kegeling is for a man to maintain an erection but strong vaginal muscles can be good for orgasm as well. Consciously constricting the vagina during sex can help you receive the necessary stimulation. This is particularly important for those who have had children. I could go on about the benefits of kegeling but there are plenty of other resources to tell you the hows and whys of kegels.
Practice Makes Perfect
'Nuff said on that topic - really.
I think that that’s all of the wisdom I have to impart. Most of this is common sense and there’s no sure fire technique for producing multiple orgasms. It’s a path you pretty much have to find on your own and I’m not sure that it exists for everyone. I make no promises but we went from having an abysmal sex life to insatiable multi orgasmic bliss so I wouldn’t count anything as impossible.
(Pic is off of the From Old Books website, it's 14th century calligraphy)
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