Sunday, November 8, 2009

Ok, So I Didn't Do the Homework

Hello, my fellow TRAMPS! This is venusfueri, or "v"/"venus" for short (I've had people in RL try to say my alias and let me tell you that second half of the name is kinda tricky so I get interesting pronounciations), one of the other contributors here.

I may have not done the homework assignment - either of them, which makes me a baaaaad student, but I did do something worthwhile - #36, aka the "3 Pointed Star," from the now infamous Sex Deck. Oh and also #22, "Around the Clock II."

I came into possession of the Sex Deck because I recently got married (yeah for newlywed sex!) and received it as a gift for my bridal shower. I think the girl that got it for me got it from babeland.

When I opened the deck, I found it to be quite funny in a way - The New Hubby (aka TNH) and I have done most of the positions that are in the deck although we did not know it. Insert disclaimer here: we are actually each other's firsts (and have been together for almost 10 years) so while at times we can still act like hormonal, virginal teenagers we usually still have fun because if something goes awkwardly and horribly wrong, we still laugh it off.

Like #22 and #36. "Around the Clock II" was first attempted over the summer (in short, the girl is on top of the guy and kinda turns herself around while the guy is still inside) before our wedding. New sex toys, interesting sex deck, hormonal fiance's, hot summer, what could go wrong?

Oh, sooooo many things.

First off, we did not live together; we were still in each other's parent's places because finding a place to live in a decent/nice neighborhood in the city we live in is HELLA hard so we took our time and did end up with a very nice apartment in the end.

Nevertheless, we learned lesson number one the very hard way: unless you at least have a queen-size bed (or an amply sized flat surface that is not cold) you really do not want to try the more complicated positions. Missionary? Fine. Cowgirl? Even better. Doggie style? Damn straight!

But all of those positions (and some other more "classic" ones so to speak) both have the guy and the girl both vertically aligned and pretty stationary. Once you get to the point where the guy is vertical and the girl is moving towards the horizontal then we have spatial issues.

Apologies for the technical/spatial terms. I studied architecture in some way, shape and form for grad school so my mind thinks in a weird visual way.

Lesson Number 2 Learned the Hard Way: I get a case of the giggles. Seriously. I was up on top, sitting and getting ready to go "around the clock" and suddenly for some reason it just all seemed totally funny and absurd. Granted, the situation wasn't helping much: twin bed, tiny bedroom in his parent's place and oh yeah with the parent's bedroom right next door? Yah huh, really sexy. It would be like if Bella and Edward were awkwardly trying to get their groove on with Carlisle and Esme right next door.

Let me just add here though that TNH and I are really good at keeping things quiet when we need to. And knowing when siblings/parents/unwanted people are coming close. It's a refined skill. ;D

Lesson #3 Learned the Hard Way: we weren't lubricated enough. Made going "around the clock" a bit painful and took away the nice gooey feelings of sensation inside.

So, lack of space, lack of lube and a case of the giggles was the cause for fail of #22. That doesn't mean though that TNH and I didn't have a good time - when you go through "droughts" of 2 to 3 weeks at a time, by that point anything is good (our longest "drought" was 7 months, but that was because I was on a different continent for an extended period of time. Reunions = good times).

With Lambie writing TILT and remembering that I was an owner of the Sex Deck, I decided to give the deck another try (or 51 more tries!). Last week, I took the deck out of my "box o' goodies" and tossed it into TNH's lap.

Needless to say, he was the one that picked #36. Stay tuned - was #36 a win or a fail? What stunt did I pull to get TNH to pick one out of the deck?

PS. For those that know, shh!!!


  1. Oh Venus, I love you. You highlight the joy in sex.

  2. Alright V, we tried Around the Clock II - epic fail! We did discover that TheDoctor CAN lift me with just his arms, I'm not quite sure why it was necessary. I'm thinking that after a few more months of diet and exercise we might be able to make it work.

    It was funny though! ;-)